Technically this post is a couple of days old as I had not published it until ‘today’.
Abundance is the one word I chose to be my theme this year. Then how is vulnerably and “stripping” away the layers a reflection of this theme ? How can we expect the Universe to give us this abundance if we cannot be happy with our lives ?
Right now. Today. I’m not abundant. Both literally as far as my bank account balance will go by the end of today because I have bills I have to pay and not enough money to pay them (even using my savings which has now dwindled to almost nothing).
I’m also not abundant in connection.
There is a saying that I keep going back to because I’m such an online/social media freak: we are all connected however we are all not connecting.
Facebook is shallow. Social media is shallow. It is a great force for good in the world and can unite people … and bring abundance in many forms to people and this world however … I’m also very aware of it’s shadow side. Why ? Because I experience that shadow (shallow) side everyday.
Their was a question posed to me not too long ago. It asked me along the lines of “The people who know you best, what would they say you’re best at..?” I couldn’t answer. I refused to answer. I became very angry about it too.
Why ? The answer I gave then and the answer I will give now:
No one knows me well enough.
As soon as the person turned that question around to say that it didn’t have to be a human – I chose Marnie. The answer was easy.
Today. Right now. I couldn’t feel more disconnected. I am lonely. I’ve been denying my feelings of loneliness for awhile now I admit. I will do as I have always have done which is feel this shite for a period then .. “busy” myself so that I don’t have to feel these feelings.. until it pops up again.
Today didn’t happen overnight. Yes I have chosen to feel disconnected and scarcity right now instead of feeling abundant with connections/friends. Yet I feel I have to go here (the shadow side) in order to re-connect to the Universe… to stop feeling so separated.
I know ultimately deep down I’m not disconnected. I know these feelings are a little false. That due to how we’re all atoms, molecules and ‘stuff’ .. we are all connected ultimately. Thus we are never really alone.
Yet the human part of me. The sensual (5 senses) part of me. Right now, is sick of being alone. Is sick of everyday being so lonely and having those shallow connections.
You could say it started with the fact that I spent $400 on a male sex workers. Why ? For the same reason people spend money on any sex worker or strippers in a strip club. We all crave that intimate connection with someone.
Also, for once, I wanted to be able to have that intimate connection.. that intimate touch.. that intimate experience in a purely selfish “it IS all about me” manner.
Do you know how often I get to do that ?
I’m single. I work by myself. I mostly hang out by myself except if it is a business networking function or a business training. I have plenty of acquaintances and a few friends (people who know me a little better than the acquaintances) how ever the number of hugs I have received that have been really good hugs. The kind that have a lot of love behind them not just a passing “thank you” hug.. or a “hi!” hug.. not the shallow fleeting kind… including 2013 as well as this year in 2014… none.
Plus if you notice – I don’t know if anyone has – I don’t have many friends. Why ? I do take responsibility of the fact that part of it is my own fault. That I’ve used my ‘I’m broke’ status to avoid having to go out (“I have to conserve my fuel so cannot catch up.”) and my abandonment issues..
Yet. Recently, like last night, I chose to spend time with someone else to just hang out instead of go to a business networking event which was in the same suburb as where I was ‘hanging out’. It was also on at the same time. My brain had forgotten about the event until later when it was too late !
At the same time, it made me realise. That event could have really assisted my new business ( Lady Vee: Sensuality / Confidence Coach ) due to the connections I’d make there however I chose (subconsciously) to hang out with this other person.
Guess what I value the most ?
And that realisation has lead to this feeling of loneliness and disconnection with the world.
What’s even more interesting is that I felt connected and totally in love with the world for the remainder of the day after my session with the male sex worker. I had not felt that feeling for a long time.
Which has one again lead to where I am today, right now.
I would love to have a friend. I don’t need a lover. I don’t need a partner (tho’ that would be okay I guess). I realise what I am really missing in my life is a REAL friend.
This real friend (whomever you are) is a giver naturally. I need someone who is a giver naturally not so much because I’m a user and taker however because I give of myself so much in a lot of other areas of my life: I need someone to give to me.
That is once again why I hired the male sex worker. Yes for that $400 I had the guarantee that someone would be the giver. I paid money I could’ve spent elsewhere in my life this week on something that is (IMO) lacking in my life in this respect.
This real friend (once again whomever you are as I don’t think you exist right at this moment in my life) will call me up every so often. They will pursue me and not think the friendship is one sided because I may not pursue them as often. They understand their role in my life and are happy to fulfil that role. To give me that balance. They understand that I’m a very giving and generous (abundant!) person in my other areas of my life that they’re more than happy to give to me – to give me that balance.
This real friend (whomever you are) will be able to have the patience (seriously, I can very stubborn!) to be able to let me reveal whatever I want to reveal in my own way at my own time. This real friend also has the tenacity/preservence (plus some empathic qualities most likely thrown into the mix) to follow up with me when they know something is up. They won’t put up with my excuses. This real friend is also generally positive with me (infectious positivity) as they have other people in their lives that they can gain support from thus don’t require it from me too much.
Once again, this real friend understands their role in my life. They understand that this is going to appear to be a one-sided friendship however it ultimately isn’t.. they’re helping me balance myself out so I can continue to be service to the world.
This real friend is experienced in business too thus I can gain support from when I want to have someone BE THERE WITH ME to help me overcome obstacles.
For instance, right now, I’m having issues “getting on the phone” to make both ‘catch up’ phone calls with a few people to see if they’re interested in another strategy session or coaching … as well as “who do you know” calls. It’s linked to my fear of abandonment and every human’s fear of “not being good enough” or “I’m not enough” or “what will other people think of me” etc. Yes, it’s all bullshite. I know this – believe me. Yet my fear is there. I also know to overcome it: support.
MORE than someone sending me a Facebook message to say “You’ve got this – just do it!”
I want someone with me for 30 minutes at least who will just “be there”. This person will celebrate every time I make a call. They will have the patience and understanding to enable me to deal with my fears and issues … and work through them… to make those calls. They will be able to read me well enough (or people in general) to know when they’ve pushed me far enough for today.
Oh yes.. this real friend.. either lives on the Gold Coast or at least can visit the Gold Coast often enough. I’m sick of having friends at a distance. I want to be able to ‘catch up’ with this person at least once a week ! I’m happy to travel to them if they’re on the GC or where-ever we meet up. Yet at the same time, they understand, due to my financial issues, that sometimes they will have to pick me up (and that’s okay).
On the flip-side, this real friend also understands that I still do value my alone-time. That I do enjoy being myself and won’t begrudge me choosing to have that alone time instead of spending it with them. Yet also know when I’m reverting to old habits and wanting to be alone because it’s easier than allowing someone “in”. I’m so used to have to deal with EVERYTHING in my life alone due to not having had a real friend like them for a long time. They once again have the patience and perseverance to make sure I know that they are their for me if I want this real friend to be .. and understands when to give me my space and not push it too much.
We share similar interests however ultimately have also different interests so as to keep the friendship interesting ! 🙂
That they are a home body – don’t mind doing “at home” stuff. They’re happy for me to just hang out sometimes. We may not talk, and they may busy themselves with whatever they are doing however we’re happy to be in each other’s company. We don’t need to always talk talk talk. Just sometimes to “hang out” is good enough.
This person loves to cook 🙂 so that’s how they bride me to visit them at their home (which is located on the Gold Coast) or if they’re not local however visit often enough thus have a place of some variety with a kitchen etc: they will still use their culinary skills to bride me to visit them. It’s a point of humour between us.
Does this real friend I’m imagining have kids ? Is it a she or a he ? I’m more inclined to go with a female in this imagination of this real friend just so I don’t have to deal with any possible drama that comes up with feeling desire for me sexually.
Ultimately, I don’t trust any man can truly be friends with a female. They will always want to date us and want to fuck us. I don’t believe men and women can be friends.
I don’t want to loose my femme self. Whilst I have tomboy sort of traits – I also have femme traits. Thus the reason I’m inclined to go with a female.
Oh.. and this real friends knows how to give a great massage. She gets some sort of thrill or kick out of giving them more than receiving them. Her sensuality for a massage is more in the feeling the person’s skin, their knots dissipating and just how each person is unique in how they receive a massage. She loves it. Definitely rather doing it than receiving one or only likes to receive one from lovers or something specific.
Her sexual attitudes are sex positive (one of our similar traits) as well as believing in body autonomy and the end of slut shaming. She does this in her own way however not as a business. She has had her own journey to reach this point of confidence in her sensuality and sexuality.
Does this real friend I’m imagining have pets ? Is she a pet parent ? Hell yes. It’s also another point of humour between us is that she also bribes me to visit her (or will bribe me to spend time hanging out at her place) because I adore her pets.
This imaginary real friend is also a hug-er. She loves to give hugs whenever needed and understands that as I’m not used to receiving too many of them I can sometimes feel weird-ed out by them. Thus knows when to hug me and when to have to control that urge in herself (once again, she has other people in her life for support so she doesn’t feel like I’m deny-ing a valuable part of her being).
As I mentioned elsewhere all I want is for someone to love me and to never allow me to feel abandoned. This real friend understands my on-going life-long (most likely) theme of having to deal with fear of abandonment thus is aware enough to see when they might be playing into that fear – and is also confident in themselves enough to ask for forgiveness. As this real friend is human, they will make mistakes and is aware enough of themselves, confident enough in themselves and aware enough of our friendship to know when to say “please forgive me”. They understand their are lessons in all of this for them not just me.
Did I mention anywhere that this real friend I’m imagine-ing is a natural listener ? She finds comfort in “the gap” .. in the silence .. naturally.
Universe. Hear me. Hear me now. This real friend I am seeking. I want all of this in one person not a few people.
This is why I personally feel like I’m always going to struggle with abundance in my life because in this one area – it isn’t abundant. It’s lop-sided. I’m giving to the world (and want to continue to do so – GIFT OF SERVICE) yet their is no one giving to me in a friendship capacity.
I don’t want a lover. I want a friend.
Real friend – if you are out there – please make yourself known to me. Remember: patience and perseverance.
PLUS CREATE. For the good of all, so it shall be !
RELEASE MY FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
RELEASE MY FEAR OF LONELINESS
RELEASE MY FEAR OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH
( I am fully spirit and flesh at the same time ! )