It’s amazing how much we can mind-fuck ourselves. I did it last night.
I turned up for a business social networking night. The last time I had turned up it wasn’t as many people. I was already feeling a little “sensitive” due to having to confront my fear of rejection recently (and realising how much Universe was throwing it in my face this year! woha!!)…
None the less, I turned up. Initially I did as any human does in such a situation when not feeling super-confident and go with the familiar. Yet I wasn’t there just to hang out with people I know and people I will see another night or day. I was there to meet new people. I was there to find my tribe since this is what Universe is obviously trying to tell me to do (since I won’t be too much for my own tribe and will always be accepted).
When it started to get crowded I made the excuse to go to the toilet which were luckily a short walk away from it all.
Back when I worked as a stripper in strip clubs, you’d think I’d thrive on crowds. Yes I did if they were spread out over a large expanse as such. I always felt a little overwhelmed and like I had to run & hide if there was a big crowd in a small club. My biggest issue with crowds is the same issue I have when someone hands me a menu with 20 million choices on it: I become overwhelmed so much by choice that I don’t know what to choose !
This is why I left to go to the toilet when I didn’t need to go to the toilet. I was feeling overwhelmed by the crowd in a small space. I saw groups of people however didn’t know where to start or how to break into any of them. Spent a little while in the toilet mind fucking myself. That’s the nice way of saying it. I went into the depths of my anxiety and revealed in it you could say. Let it engulf me to the point that I could release it.
This is just what works for me. It isn’t possibly the best way to deal with it however it is the only way I have known how to do so.
Eventually I came out of my anxiety. I used something called The Heartbeat Rule.
Walked back over. Started at “ground dot” with Angela the organiser … and then just inserted myself into a near-by group 🙂
After that point it was all up-hill and the night was a resounding success for me personally.
I connected with a few people there 🙂 I revealed my Strip Club Field Trip offering to a few people with great feedback.
I also learnt that having a cup of tea at an event where everyone else is drinking something else is a great conversation starter 🙂 hahahaha
So.. what’s the lesson ? For me personally, it is that no matter how “sensitive” I am feeling after dealing with certain fears recently… no matter how hurt by life you can feel… allow yourself to feel that fear however DO NOT STAY THERE … that’s the biggest thing I can congratulate myself on:
I could’ve easily mind fucked myself so much that I left without anyone noticing.
Yet I remembered why I had turned up. I was there because I genuinely liked the event. I was there to meet more people. I was there for business in whatever capacity: from pet carer/house sitter to Lady Vee to just being another business owner.