Being Vulnerable vs Being a Victim

Source: Rach Wilson

4 September 2013 at 09:00

In a post in a secret group of friends there was a question about the difference between what it looks like to be vulnerable versus when someone is being a victim.  Allowing ones self to be vulnerable increases a connection with self and others as it is being truly authentic and real, no mask and no agenda.  Allowing people to see and connect with the real you.

 

Vulnerable: “I’m struggling right now”
Victim: “Things never work out for me, I’m unlucky”
Vulnerable: “I made an error in judgment and I accept the consequences”
Victim: “<insert person or entity here> made the mistake and now I have to suffer the consequences!”
Vulnerable: “I feel scared to admit I don’t know the answer”
Victim: “I’m just too stupid to know anything”
Vulnerable: “I acknowledge that I feel fear/shame/guilt/judgment triggered by <situation> and that’s my stuff to process.”
Victim: “<situation> is wrong. They shouldn’t have done/said that to me! They’re <insert label here>.”

Vulnerable sheds tears in the moment they are sad or moved by something; they are being real without needing something from others by doing so. Victim says I can’t because that’s weak or worries what will people think of them if they do … Or they overdramatize it for attention…

 

Vulnerable asks for help when they really need it with the intention of getting to the other side. Victim asks for help when they can actually do it themselves but they want attention or to stay a victim for more attention, or refuses to ask for help because of being seen as weak (a victim of keeping up appearances which is not being real).

The energy behind each is different, one accepts and the other deflects. Being vulnerable is being real and raw but taking personal responsibility. Victim shares feelings and thoughts to either gain sympathy (poor you) or to manipulate others into getting what they want… When you are being open about your thoughts and feelings, just check in with your intention behind what you say.

 

As a leader, if you allow yourself to be seen vulnerable, you give others permission to be vulnerable too therefore breaking their perception of your perfection; if you were always super positive, nothing every knocked you down then others feel like they have to strive to be like that perfect too and get down on themselves when they aren’t.  People more easily relate to others who are human, who don’t always get it right and it’s a whole lot easier to be real/vulnerable and human than to try to keep up appearances.

Feel free to add your thoughts 🙂

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How To Flirt ….

The Flirtation
The Flirtation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

How To Flirt: http://buff.ly/1i0xjhw

 

…it’s not the most physically appealing people who get approached, but the ones who signal their availability and confidence through basic flirting techniques like eye contact and smiles.

 

Please forgive me… but… duh !  I could’ve told you this without conducting research nor having a PhD …

Many times less traditionally attractive strippers would do well.  These same women knew how to flirt.

This is why I personally enjoyed stripping so much… I loved being a flirt !  I still do 🙂

 

THIS is why sensuality has no age limit. Flirtation has no age limit. You can do it when you’re 80 as well as 18…

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Friends. Getting balanced. Giving/Taking.

Technically this post is a couple of days old as I had not published it until ‘today’. 

FriendshipFriendsGivingAbundance is the one word I chose to be my theme this year. Then how is vulnerably and “stripping” away the layers a reflection of this theme ? How can we expect the Universe to give us this abundance if we cannot be happy with our lives ?

Right now. Today. I’m not abundant. Both literally as far as my bank account balance will go by the end of today because I have bills I have to pay and not enough money to pay them (even using my savings which has now dwindled to almost nothing).

I’m also not abundant in connection.

There is a saying that I keep going back to because I’m such an online/social media freak: we are all connected however we are all not connecting.

Facebook is shallow. Social media is shallow. It is a great force for good in the world and can unite people … and bring abundance in many forms to people and this world however … I’m also very aware of it’s shadow side. Why ? Because I experience that shadow (shallow) side everyday.

Their was a question posed to me not too long ago. It asked me along the lines of “The people who know you best, what would they say you’re best at..?” I couldn’t answer. I refused to answer. I became very angry about it too.

Why ? The answer I gave then and the answer I will give now:

No one knows me well enough.

As soon as the person turned that question around to say that it didn’t have to be a human – I chose Marnie. The answer was easy.

Today. Right now. I couldn’t feel more disconnected. I am lonely. I’ve been denying my feelings of loneliness for awhile now I admit. I will do as I have always have done which is feel this shite for a period then .. “busy” myself so that I don’t have to feel these feelings.. until it pops up again.

Today didn’t happen overnight. Yes I have chosen to feel disconnected and scarcity right now instead of feeling abundant with connections/friends. Yet I feel I have to go here (the shadow side) in order to re-connect to the Universe… to stop feeling so separated.

I know ultimately deep down I’m not disconnected. I know these feelings are a little false. That due to how we’re all atoms, molecules and ‘stuff’ .. we are all connected ultimately. Thus we are never really alone.

Yet the human part of me. The sensual (5 senses) part of me. Right now, is sick of being alone. Is sick of everyday being so lonely and having those shallow connections.

You could say it started with the fact that I spent $400 on a male sex workers. Why ? For the same reason people spend money on any sex worker or strippers in a strip club. We all crave that intimate connection with someone.

Also, for once, I wanted to be able to have that intimate connection.. that intimate touch.. that intimate experience in a purely selfish “it IS all about me” manner.

Do you know how often I get to do that ?

I’m single. I work by myself. I mostly hang out by myself except if it is a business networking function or a business training. I have plenty of acquaintances and a few friends (people who know me a little better than the acquaintances) how ever the number of hugs I have received that have been really good hugs. The kind that have a lot of love behind them not just a passing “thank you” hug.. or a “hi!” hug.. not the shallow fleeting kind… including 2013 as well as this year in 2014… none.

Plus if you notice – I don’t know if anyone has – I don’t have many friends. Why ? I do take responsibility of the fact that part of it is my own fault. That I’ve used my ‘I’m broke’ status to avoid having to go out (“I have to conserve my fuel so cannot catch up.”) and my abandonment issues..

Yet. Recently, like last night, I chose to spend time with someone else to just hang out instead of go to a business networking event which was in the same suburb as where I was ‘hanging out’. It was also on at the same time. My brain had forgotten about the event until later when it was too late !

At the same time, it made me realise. That event could have really assisted my new business ( Lady Vee: Sensuality / Confidence Coach ) due to the connections I’d make there however I chose (subconsciously) to hang out with this other person.

Guess what I value the most ?

And that realisation has lead to this feeling of loneliness and disconnection with the world.

What’s even more interesting is that I felt connected and totally in love with the world for the remainder of the day after my session with the male sex worker. I had not felt that feeling for a long time.

Which has one again lead to where I am today, right now.

I would love to have a friend. I don’t need a lover. I don’t need a partner (tho’ that would be okay I guess). I realise what I am really missing in my life is a REAL friend.

This real friend (whomever you are) is a giver naturally. I need someone who is a giver naturally not so much because I’m a user and taker however because I give of myself so much in a lot of other areas of my life: I need someone to give to me.

That is once again why I hired the male sex worker. Yes for that $400 I had the guarantee that someone would be the giver. I paid money I could’ve spent elsewhere in my life this week on something that is (IMO) lacking in my life in this respect.

This real friend (once again whomever you are as I don’t think you exist right at this moment in my life) will call me up every so often. They will pursue me and not think the friendship is one sided because I may not pursue them as often. They understand their role in my life and are happy to fulfil that role. To give me that balance. They understand that I’m a very giving and generous (abundant!) person in my other areas of my life that they’re more than happy to give to me – to give me that balance.

This real friend (whomever you are) will be able to have the patience (seriously, I can very stubborn!) to be able to let me reveal whatever I want to reveal in my own way at my own time. This real friend also has the tenacity/preservence (plus some empathic qualities most likely thrown into the mix) to follow up with me when they know something is up. They won’t put up with my excuses. This real friend is also generally positive with me (infectious positivity) as they have other people in their lives that they can gain support from thus don’t require it from me too much.

Once again, this real friend understands their role in my life. They understand that this is going to appear to be a one-sided friendship however it ultimately isn’t.. they’re helping me balance myself out so I can continue to be service to the world.

This real friend is experienced in business too thus I can gain support from when I want to have someone BE THERE WITH ME to help me overcome obstacles.

For instance, right now, I’m having issues “getting on the phone” to make both ‘catch up’ phone calls with a few people to see if they’re interested in another strategy session or coaching … as well as “who do you know” calls. It’s linked to my fear of abandonment and every human’s fear of “not being good enough” or “I’m not enough” or “what will other people think of me” etc. Yes, it’s all bullshite. I know this – believe me. Yet my fear is there. I also know to overcome it: support.

MORE than someone sending me a Facebook message to say “You’ve got this – just do it!”

I want someone with me for 30 minutes at least who will just “be there”. This person will celebrate every time I make a call. They will have the patience and understanding to enable me to deal with my fears and issues … and work through them… to make those calls. They will be able to read me well enough (or people in general) to know when they’ve pushed me far enough for today.

Oh yes.. this real friend.. either lives on the Gold Coast or at least can visit the Gold Coast often enough. I’m sick of having friends at a distance. I want to be able to ‘catch up’ with this person at least once a week ! I’m happy to travel to them if they’re on the GC or where-ever we meet up. Yet at the same time, they understand, due to my financial issues, that sometimes they will have to pick me up (and that’s okay).

On the flip-side, this real friend also understands that I still do value my alone-time. That I do enjoy being myself and won’t begrudge me choosing to have that alone time instead of spending it with them. Yet also know when I’m reverting to old habits and wanting to be alone because it’s easier than allowing someone “in”. I’m so used to have to deal with EVERYTHING in my life alone due to not having had a real friend like them for a long time. They once again have the patience and perseverance to make sure I know that they are their for me if I want this real friend to be .. and understands when to give me my space and not push it too much.

We share similar interests however ultimately have also different interests so as to keep the friendship interesting ! 🙂

That they are a home body – don’t mind doing “at home” stuff. They’re happy for me to just hang out sometimes. We may not talk, and they may busy themselves with whatever they are doing however we’re happy to be in each other’s company. We don’t need to always talk talk talk. Just sometimes to “hang out” is good enough.

This person loves to cook 🙂 so that’s how they bride me to visit them at their home (which is located on the Gold Coast) or if they’re not local however visit often enough thus have a place of some variety with a kitchen etc: they will still use their culinary skills to bride me to visit them. It’s a point of humour between us.

Does this real friend I’m imagining have kids ? Is it a she or a he ? I’m more inclined to go with a female in this imagination of this real friend just so I don’t have to deal with any possible drama that comes up with feeling desire for me sexually.

Ultimately, I don’t trust any man can truly be friends with a female. They will always want to date us and want to fuck us. I don’t believe men and women can be friends.

I don’t want to loose my femme self. Whilst I have tomboy sort of traits – I also have femme traits. Thus the reason I’m inclined to go with a female.

Oh.. and this real friends knows how to give a great massage. She gets some sort of thrill or kick out of giving them more than receiving them. Her sensuality for a massage is more in the feeling the person’s skin, their knots dissipating and just how each person is unique in how they receive a massage. She loves it. Definitely rather doing it than receiving one or only likes to receive one from lovers or something specific.

Her sexual attitudes are sex positive (one of our similar traits) as well as believing in body autonomy and the end of slut shaming. She does this in her own way however not as a business. She has had her own journey to reach this point of confidence in her sensuality and sexuality.

Does this real friend I’m imagining have pets ? Is she a pet parent ? Hell yes. It’s also another point of humour between us is that she also bribes me to visit her (or will bribe me to spend time hanging out at her place) because I adore her pets.

This imaginary real friend is also a hug-er. She loves to give hugs whenever needed and understands that as I’m not used to receiving too many of them I can sometimes feel weird-ed out by them. Thus knows when to hug me and when to have to control that urge in herself (once again, she has other people in her life for support so she doesn’t feel like I’m deny-ing a valuable part of her being).

As I mentioned elsewhere all I want is for someone to love me and to never allow me to feel abandoned. This real friend understands my on-going life-long (most likely) theme of having to deal with fear of abandonment thus is aware enough to see when they might be playing into that fear – and is also confident in themselves enough to ask for forgiveness. As this real friend is human, they will make mistakes and is aware enough of themselves, confident enough in themselves and aware enough of our friendship to know when to say “please forgive me”. They understand their are lessons in all of this for them not just me.

Did I mention anywhere that this real friend I’m imagine-ing is a natural listener ? She finds comfort in “the gap” .. in the silence .. naturally.

Universe. Hear me. Hear me now. This real friend I am seeking. I want all of this in one person not a few people.

This is why I personally feel like I’m always going to struggle with abundance in my life because in this one area – it isn’t abundant. It’s lop-sided. I’m giving to the world (and want to continue to do so – GIFT OF SERVICE) yet their is no one giving to me in a friendship capacity.
I don’t want a lover. I want a friend.

Real friend – if you are out there – please make yourself known to me. Remember: patience and perseverance.
PLUS CREATE. For the good of all, so it shall be !

 
RELEASE MY FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

RELEASE MY FEAR OF LONELINESS

RELEASE MY FEAR OF NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH

RELEASE !

 

( I am fully spirit and flesh at the same time ! )

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Bad Lady Vee …

Woha… it’s been.. a bit of a while since I last posted huh ?  Please forgive me 🙂

So.. as is possibly obvious… SensualFit is on hold.  That’s totally okay with me…  unfortunately life showed me I had to re-focus on my existing “bread and butter” (still a passion however it IS how I earn an income right now)…  due to concentrating on Lady Vee / SensualFit for so long… yup… my lack of focus and attention on Gold Coast Pets other than the minimum has unfortunately had repercussions.

( Just as a side note, I am still working on Lady Vee just not as full on as I was in the previous months.. )

None the less, this blog isn’t so much about the above… it is more that I finally had a revelation recently.

I hold the belief that EVERYONE has three fears … and usually in order of most to least:

Abandonment

Worthlessness

Powerlessness

 

For quite some time I wasn’t quite sure whether Abandonment or Worthlessness was my primary fear.

Found out Abandonment is my primary fear.  Followed by Worthlessness then Powerlessness.

Then BAM… the Universe made damn sure I was to confront this fear as I experienced one cancellation after another after another for my “bread and butter” business !!   To say that it sent me in a bit of a panic or anxiety is an under-statement.

It’s because up until that point of self-discovery that I was feeling like I was being hit and hit and hit and hit and hit again … and every time I felt like I was getting back on my feet… BAM.. SMACK… I would get another hit…  I wasn’t feeling awfully confident.

Yes, the sensual confidence coach IS HUMAN !  I will have my down times. I will my low points.  I will have times when all I want to do is cry.

The difference is that I have a lot of skills available to me to dig myself mentally out of the hole.

So what’s happening now ?  I’m able to “wether the storm” because I’m back on track for my 1000 year vision (or my legacy dream as I like to call it).

Looking out to the future so far far into the future way beyond my own lifetime … it gives you perspective.  It allows you to realise… it’s crap now yet … it won’t always be like that… it is just part of the overall journey…

What else am I doing ?

1. I purchased the Gratitude365 app and fill it out every morning (minimum 3 gratitudes) even when I don’t partially feel like it (hahaha)…  I will say such awe-inspiring things that I’m grateful for my health (I am after being sick recently)… Marnie my cat being healthy… being able bodied… being able to breath independently… and so forth.  What I love about the app is that I could set a passcode on it so I can be as personal as I please without feeling like others will see it !

2. I downloaded the “Happy” app and fill it out at the end of the day as it asks the question: What went well today?  I choose ONE thing.  It has been such things as Georgina – working and running no problems (my car is named Georgina).

3. Repeat my Prosperity Prayer (I use God/dess instead of God … and I also use God/dess in a non religious sense – more the archetype/energy) at the start or at least once a day …  I believe that even if I don’t fully believe the prayer… eventually I’ll repeat the words so many times it will sink in.. and the intention is being put out there 🙂

I know… where is the exercise amongst all this ?  Or mediation ?  Whilst I like routine… I really enjoy the unpredictability of each day.  Some days I will get the exercise via pet sits and dog walks… other days… not so much yet that’s okay … IMO.  I feel the “on” days (when I’m quite active) make up for my less active days.

 

The pain is the fuel, the vision is the healing.
Rossco Paddison

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Lady Vee’s TEDxSouthBankWomen 2013 Application | #TEDxSBW

I loved the questions on the application … and especially loved the character limit ! 🙂  Forced me to be really succinct and to the point (instead of waffling on like I can within my blog posts hahahaha) … so I figured why waste the questions and answers ?  Let’s post them here for posterity !

Without further delay…. here are the TEDxSouthBankeWomen 2013 Application questions (click here if you want to apply as a speaker!)

**

Share one moment that positively disrupted your view of the world 

(500 characters or less)
Earlier in 2013 I was attending an intimate business mastermind event.  I had a major breakdown – in a good way !   For years I had been carrying the shame/guilt of my former profession (as a stripper) on my shoulders that was my father’s guilt and shame.  Following that break-down, I came out about it to a new business contact who told me he respected me for being honest.  From there, I came out on social media and the ‘rest is history’ 🙂  It’s been the best thing I’ve done in a long time !

**

If you had unlimited resources what would you do tomorrow?

(500 characters of less)
Wake up, increase my Facebook advertising for SensualFit, put together a huge awesome launch party for SensualFit, start making progress launching my legacy dream before the year ended (my charity/non-profit I want to set up to provide community resources and support for senior pets: hospice, bill help, cheap vet, affordable pet sitting, etc. etc.) and make Gold Coast Lost and Found Pets FB page into a social enterprise. 

**

What is the best piece of advice you have received 

(250 characters or less)
Love your dysfunctions/things that cause you to lose friends … or throw you into life lessons. They help us to find humor, wisdom, liberation & our inner child which … allows us to find a deeper love of self and rise above the judgements of others.

**

What do you want to do to change the world 

(250 characters or less)
Guide women to discover, expand and integrate their sensuality in every moment of their life as well as provide assistance to people with senior or special needs pets to give these pets the chance to live out their lives with dignity & love.
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She is magic

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

Three very powerful words… (imo)

One of the many tv shows I like to indulge in is called Masters of Sex. It isn’t what you think at all ! (lol)  Seriously, click here to know more.

Currently it is in it’s first season.  I just finished watching Episode 4 (the latest episode at the time of this blog)

** SPOILER ALERT **

Just before the credits. Right at the end… (I’ll do my best to not spoil it for you)… a male character is describing the main female character.  Dr Masters is listening to the recording of the male describing the female.  Considering their study is about human sexuality in America this is why the male character (on the recording) is mentioning this woman.

The male character was explaining why the female he’s describing isn’t a good ‘baseline’ to determine his sexual experiences… Dr Masters asks him “Why?”

( click here to listen to the audio )

Because this one is different.

She knows herself…

She knows what feels good.

She’ll TELL you…

and she wants you to tell her…

what you want her to do to you…

what your fantasy is… which is a fantasy in itself, am I right ?

I’m telling you Doctor .. this woman is magic.

 

Cue credits. What is ingenious is that I don’t know if this woman is aware of the fact that this guy has described her as such.  She may not be aware of just how magical a creature she is to this man (or how much Dr Masters is fascinated with her).  How much he adores her for her magic.

Notice also that at no time did this male character say that this female character because she is sensually confident (yes, THIS is what I call sensual confidence) is a slut, or a whore or any other generally negative label.  No. He said:

This woman is magic. 

I have to admit. When it comes to sensuality, if someone described me as magic – I would be on cloud nine.  It’s better than being described as sexy or hot.

THIS is my desire for all women – we may be out of the 1950s … in a new century… saturated with literature about sex and female orgasms and so forth however there are still a lot of women who are far removed from the above.  A lot of women who feel awkward asking for it (initiating) let alone ‘telling’ their partner what exactly works.   PLUS having the confidence in themselves as sensual/sexual beings that the fantasies the male is telling you – are that. They don’t have to be paranoid that he is going to try to live those fantasies.  They don’t have to second guess themselves.  Stop doubting themselves.

They are magic.  All women are bewitching magical beings if they would just let themselves be 🙂

THAT is what I am hoping to achieve with Lady Vee (Sensual Confidence Coach) and SensualFit.

Enough of me…..

 

Tell me what YOU think ?

 

 

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10 reasons why SensualFit is good for you

Dance Floor
Dance Floor (Photo credit: enric archivell)

There are many reasons why moving your body (also known as dancing) is good for us. It’s great fun and good for the body, mind and soul.

Here are 10 reasons why SensualFit is good for you:

1) Great way to exercise and stay fit

Dancing in any form is a great way to stay in shape. You go at your own pace and exercise even without noticing.

2) Burn calories !

Dancing is all about moving your body and moving your body is a great way to burn calories. How many will you burn depends on how vigorously you move! In a two-hour class you can burn from 400 to 800 calories.

Yes, weight management can be fun and enjoyable!

3) Move energy: increase meridian flow: Improved health

Dance can effectively promote good health by improving cardiovascular fitness, strengthening the muscles, increasing circulation, decreasing blood pressure, lowering the risk of coronary heart disease, reducing stress, and many other positive benefits. Moving your body will unlock congestions and literary “put things moving” or in other words, awaken your body’s flow.

4) Connect to self

This is a precious time for yourself to be with you in body and heart. You always have the chance for deep listening, taking your movement as a meditation.

5) Connect to others

Where else can you share some body heat, be seen and supported, & play like the sensual being you are … and not even say a word!

You also get to meet new people and make new friends.

6) Express yourself 

Repressed emotions lead to illness. It is said that depression is repressed anger. On the dance floor, you can express what ever you are experiencing and that in itself, feels good! You don’t even need to know what your expression is about. The simple practice of “doing” will find its natural expression.

7) Build confidence

Every opportunity to go beyond your comfortable zone, provides a burst of confidence. You get to try new things out and receive a sense of success and achievement. You learn to embody your truth and to be comfortable in your own skin.

8) Lifts your mood

Any exercise can raise your spirits by raising the endorphins or so called feel good chemicals. This can lighten your mood and reduce the risk of depression.

9) Find clarity

The SensualFit journey takes you to a place where your mind can be more silent and your body more alert and alive ! It is only when the “dust settles” that you can see clearly.

10) Improved overall well-being

Dance has an outstanding positive effect on both physical and psychological well-being. Through dance, you connect to something bigger than yourself. We can call it the divine, life force, unity etc. You realise that you are part of this bigger picture.

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