Happy Mothers Day ?

Trigger Warning: Abuse, Death, Cancer
 
I’m torn on my feelings about days like mother’s day every year. I can’t be the only one ?
 
On the one hand, I love seeing how all the mothers are celebrated by their children.
 
I always “take my hat off” to all mothers especially since I’ve chosen to not be one. After living with a lady for a short period who had four children (two teens, two young) it really gave me a glimpse into motherhood. The joys and the not-so-joys. In such a fast paced, digital world .. having a day like Mother’s Day can be a good reminder to be grateful for all that your mother has done for you and how much love she loves you.
 
I also like to take a moment myself to celebrate my own “motherly” love towards my pets and how my own “mother”-energy has shown up in this world.
 
… ON THE OTHER HAND …
 
It also has the dualistic shadow side for me (hence the reason I’m torn every Mother’s Day).
 
Forever reminding me of my own mother.
 
My own mother transitioned back in late 1999. She originally was diagnosed with breast cancer then after a double mastectomy managed to go into remission for a period. Then the cancer came back and ultimately ‘beat’ her. For the last 3 months of her life, she was literally skin and bones as I saw her ‘waste’ away. I now know what it looks like when someone is alive however not living.
 
I do not want your condolences or sympathy. Now, it is just an event. It holds no emotional charge.
 
(You can possibly see why life has given me the gift to be a Priestess Of The Body and to unlock the divine pleasure (and healing) that comes from releasing shame, self-criticism about our bodies and ourselves. Life is too short and pleasure can be healing.)
 
That’s not the only shadow side to mother’s day for me.
 
My mother was abusive.
 
It’s taken me a lot of inner work to reach this point where I can reveal this and it’s not for ego, sympathy or anything other than to state a fact.
 
She was the disciplinarian of my family. When I was young it was the wooden spoon .. then when I was a teen it really exploded. I don’t know what was happening for her as her own person (she never told me – we never had that type of relationship) as I only knew what was happening to me as her only daughter.
 
It was when I was a teen I experienced emotional abuse.
 
Her love was very conditional.
 
Even one time she threatened my life with a knife.
 
“Next time this will be your throat.” then she proceeded to slit the seat of my bicycle which was only steps away from me.
 
(I am *not* seeking sympathy here – this is purely JUST a statement of what happened. It’s taken me 20+ years to be able to mention that moment without trauma).
 
Yeh, *that* moment was when my I AM NOT ENOUGH / ABANDONMENT wound really became compounded … and it’s taken me over 20 years to finally release the trauma of that event .. to finally see it as “just something that happened” … and to know I AM ENOUGH .. and that there was obvious some shit my mother was dealing with that I was obviously triggering her.
 

So yeh.

 
Happy Mother’s Day.
 

Maybe ?